i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
