Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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