I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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