so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
