Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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