Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
