Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
