i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
