I didn't shave. On purpose
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I would fuck him just for his dog
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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