I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
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