I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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