so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
