we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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