he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
