Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
