and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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