Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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