I wish I could teleport
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Randomize
