i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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