You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
