i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
