Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
