Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
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Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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