I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
