last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
