They should really pass out barf bags in church
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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