toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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