My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
