My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
