i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
