I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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