so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
