I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
