fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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