Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
one might say we're banned from that church
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
