As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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