dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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