No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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