I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
