Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
