I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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