Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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