Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
