I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm like, not good at living.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
