You smell like stripper and shame
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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