I think i peed on brittanys purse
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize