there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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