Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
