I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
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ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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