Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
