It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
