I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That accounts for only three of the penises
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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