if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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