I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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