My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
