Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
