I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
