Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
