I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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