i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?