my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
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I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
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I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.