$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
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That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
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I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men