just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
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I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
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I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species