I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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